I am happy, I am sad, I am good, I am bad. Looking back at how life has unfolded gives me great satisfaction – to be where I am from what I was, is an astounding journey. I have always believed that if you really want something then no one can stop you from getting it. If a beggar wants to be a King no one can stop him from being a king but the common man is a realist who is unaware of his potential. He is satisfied being poor, miserable and unsatisfied. Ambition is not his cup of tea; he thinks he is too small to achieve anything big except fending for bread and butter.
We are responsible for what we are today, no one else can be blamed for how our fate has played itself because we are the creators and we are the created. I see many people around me with great potential but they lack self belief to pursue their dreams. They lack the courage to be great, extraordinary because the society has conditioned them in such a way that they can’t think about excellence but only about being average and ordinary. With determination we have seen Men achieve astounding and impossible feats, how often do we hear stories of Rags to Riches? It is often the man who has been deprived the most that has reached the pinnacle of success.
Everywhere I see, I find men who are unaware of their gifts and loafing around without any aim or purpose. They are engrossed in mundane matters of life and fail to see the bigger picture but how could someone who has to struggle everyday to earn his meal think about anything other than the means to earn his current meal. How can a man who doesn’t have enough money to cover himself think of anything else? How can a man so poor think of the bigger picture in life?
Coming back to myself, I was ambitious unlike the “common man”, I was naive enough to believe I could achieve what I had conceived. I had a goal, I had a game plan. I won the first battle which was very difficult and that reinforced my self belief but what happened after that and what is happening after that is the most interesting part of my life. I was proud that I was not like my friends aimlessly dancing to the whims and fancies of the society, I thought I knew what I wanted in life, I thought I was aware of the larger picture of life but my worldview changed drastically. My goal changed ever since I began to see beyond the goal post and questioned what after this goal? Only fame and glory? PRESTIGE? Is that all? It would have been very easy if I hadn’t asked these questions. I would have easily achieved my goal and died ignorant but gaily and satisfied having done what I had set out to do. Now since I asked these questions and found the answers (partially) my life started to fall apart, all my illusions about life began to crumble down and made me wonder how many illusions I still hold?
I had eyes but only after this that I really began to see – to see what is beyond, to understand the story behind every story, the face behind every mask, the history behind geography……………..
Now I am lost or so I think, I have drifted far away from myself and ventured into an unknown territory. I don’t understand their language and I can’t trust the people there. The problem is not that I don’t have a map but the problem is that I have too many maps and I know not which one to choose.
Hence, here I am, purposeless, meaningless, seeking myself, exploring myself in an unknown land within myself without myself.