Who am I?

I am happy, I am sad, I am good, I am bad. Looking back at how life has unfolded gives me great satisfaction – to be where I am from what I was, is an astounding journey. I have always believed that if you really want something then no one can stop you from getting it. If a beggar wants to be a King no one can stop him from being a king but the common man is a realist who is unaware of his potential. He is satisfied being poor, miserable and unsatisfied. Ambition is not his cup of tea; he thinks he is too small to achieve anything big except fending for bread and butter.

We are responsible for what we are today, no one else can be blamed for how our fate has played itself because we are the creators and we are the created. I see many people around me with great potential but they lack self belief to pursue their dreams. They lack the courage to be great, extraordinary because the society has conditioned them in such a way that they can’t think about excellence but only about being average and ordinary. With determination we have seen Men achieve astounding and impossible feats, how often do we hear stories of Rags to Riches? It is often the man who has been deprived the most that has reached the pinnacle of success.

Everywhere I see, I find men who are unaware of their gifts and loafing around without any aim or purpose. They are engrossed in mundane matters of life and fail to see the bigger picture but how could someone who has to struggle everyday to earn his meal think about anything other than the means to earn his current meal. How can a man who doesn’t have enough money to cover himself think of anything else? How can a man so poor think of the bigger picture in life?

Coming back to myself, I was ambitious unlike the “common man”, I was naive enough to believe I could achieve what I had conceived. I had a goal, I had a game plan. I won the first battle which was very difficult and that reinforced my self belief but what happened after that and what is happening after that is the most interesting part of my life. I was proud that I was not like my friends aimlessly dancing to the whims and fancies of the society, I thought I knew what I wanted in life, I thought I was aware of the larger picture of life but my worldview changed drastically. My goal changed ever since I began to see beyond the goal post and questioned what after this goal? Only fame and glory? PRESTIGE? Is that all? It would have been very easy if I hadn’t asked these questions. I would have easily achieved my goal and died ignorant but gaily and satisfied having done what I had set out to do. Now since I asked these questions and found the answers (partially) my life started to fall apart, all my illusions about life began to crumble down and made me wonder how many illusions I still hold?

I had eyes but only after this that I really began to see – to see what is beyond, to understand the story behind every story, the face behind every mask, the history behind geography……………..

Now I am lost or so I think, I have drifted far away from myself and ventured into an unknown territory. I don’t understand their language and I can’t trust the people there. The problem is not that I don’t have a map but the problem is that I have too many maps and I know not which one to choose.

Hence, here I am, purposeless, meaningless, seeking myself, exploring myself in an unknown land within myself without myself.

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Living I am but am not alive….

“In pursuit of happiness, I have become sad
In search of hope, I have become hopeless
In search of truth, I have become a liar
In search of sanity, I have become insane
& am dying in search of life”

 Staring at the blank page………..a thousand things in my mind but somehow I can’t muster the will to write everything down….. to write is to think…to think is to question…to question is to find the answer….finding the answers to all the questions is impossible…that is why I guess I don’t feel like writing…a strange sought of feeling…feeling as if there is a song in my mind but I don’t find words to put them on paper….. It is a strange position to be in….to live as if you’re dead…. a purposeless existence, a soulless world….what else can I say? What else can I do?

Sometimes inaction is the most effective action one can take…indecision is also a decision….not finding answers is also an answer to all your questions…if you keep searching the meaning of life….when the hell will you live? But if u don’t know why u are alive what’s the point of living? AM I mad? Most probably? Am I making any sense? Most probably not but the question is where are the answers? How do you live with the questions? Have I lost hopes so soon? Am I tired of living so soon? Am i BIG enough to question the reason behind my existence? Why do I feel that I am missing something? Why do I feel that I am incomplete on my own? What is it that I am searching tirelessly everywhere? And when will I find what I am searching for?

Living I am as my soul sits aside waiting for someone, searching for something but my body drags itself doing the mundane things……..living I am but not alive…am not alive to the moment… not alive to myself….not alive to others…..but living I am and thou shall ask not why……. Living I am but not in today….not even in yesterday…but somewhere in the future…in a distant land…as the river meets the sea…I sit by the seashore…as the waves hit the shore again and again…living I am but am I alive? Like the river meets the sea… will I meet my end- my purpose or is it just another bend? What have I lost? What will I find? Why this struggle? Why this pain? What do I gain?

 A ray of hope…a moment of joy…makes me alive again but…soon enough living I am but I am not alive……….i am practical enough to be sad…for happiness is an illusion or so they say…..i decided I will only pursue the truth…..but the truth is a lie they said….false is true they said…you don’t know they said….but what do u do when the lies are true and truth is a lie? Just ask why and then gaily die!  Living I am but to live here one must be dead…so living I am but I am not alive…………..

Aside

What can I write?

 

I write what I can

But what can I?

I can’t write about life

For I am too small for it.

I can’t write the truth

For I am myself a liar

And truth itself is relative.

I can’t write about the lush green country side

For I stay in concrete jungle – the city side.

I can’t write about luxurious palaces

For I am no king

And I myself stay in a hut .

I can’t write about virtues

For I don’t posses them.

I can’t write about beauty

For I am too ugly for it.

I can’t write about God- the unknown

For neither have I seen him

Nor do I know him.

I can’t write complicated things

For I am myself a simple creature.

And I am no poet to write poems

For I can’t rhyme my thoughts.

I can’t write anything meaningful

For I am myself an insignificant and meaningless

creature in search of meaning.

All I know is love

For love treats

The king & the servant

The small & the big

The beautiful & the ugly

Someone and no one

& everyone alike.

Which is greater?

The pleasure of being in someone’s heart

Or the pain of being apart

Which is greater?

To live in memories of your beloved

Or to move on & find someone else along the road

Which is greater?

 

The laws that man made

Or the laws that man broke

Which is greater?

The money you spent on some party

Or the money you gave away in charity

Which is greater?

 

The mystery of death

Or the history of life

Which is greater?

To be a hero of war

Or a martyr of peace

Which is greater?

 

The beautiful face of a wicked soul

Or the ugly face of a true heart

Which is greater?

 

I asked who’s greater?

You or me?

You raised your head towards the sky

And told, “the unknown HE”

But I asked again, you or me?

You repeated, “the unknown he”

Who’s HE?????

I dream of a day…

I dream of a day,

When you shall be here, in my arms

Together gazing at the wilderness

We shall be lost in each other’s love.

Nothing to do, nothing to speak.

Without uttering a word

A thousand things are heard,

Without doing an act

A thousand things are felt.

It’s as if we have been separated for years

& only silence can express our pain,

For  words don’t have the ability to express feelings.

In this dark hour

I wait, I dream

Of a day when you shall be here, in my arms……………..

Kabira

“It is all over”, he said staring into the sky and sipped whiskey from his glass. He remembered, it had all began with his mother’s death when he was ten years old. Now, he was fifty five years young but his problems had towered over him like a giant mountain and he knew he could never win, he knew he was the perpetrator and he was the victim, he knew everything had began with him and everything had to end with him.

He had decided this would be the last day of his painful existence since there was not a single soul that loved him but a strange desire conquered his mind even at this last moment. For one last time, he wanted to walk down the street where he had once lived, where he had once dreamt, where he once had the comfort of his mother’s love, where he had once been a human and mostly, where it had all begun.

As he walked down the street, he was surprised because a lot had changed since forty years but even more surprising was the fact that his old house no longer existed but in its place stood a apartment.

“Ah! even this last wish of mine couldn’t be full filled what wretched fate is mine?

The house  you once stayed in, someone else will,

The people you once loved, someone else will,

The seeds that you once sowed someone else will reap,

The truth is even the grave you will be buried in will not be spared;

What then is the point of our existence?  Ah! wretched is my existence and that of all humans,” he thought standing in front of the apartment which was built over his old house.

He went inside the apartment and rung the bell of the house on the ground floor. A young girl who had chubby cheeks, dimple chin and an unforgettable grin opened the door.She was surprised to see him there, see him alive and that too after all these years. She motioned him into the apartment with a childlike smile. As they sat in the living room, she asked,”Where have you been all these days Kabira chacha?” He didn’t answer, he didn’t move, he just looked blankly at her as if he was contemplating something, something deep, something inexpressible. She knew to prod him further would be vain and wondered what  to talk.

“What brings you to our poor apartment kabira chacha?” she asked in a low voice as if she was unsure of what she was talking.

“The same old memories, memories of growing up, playing and dreaming like you do that keeps bringing me back again and again to this place where it had all began and where it shall all end.” She couldn’t make sense of what he was talking but by the time she could think of a reply he got up and started walking around the living room.

“My child, live every moment of your youth to the fullest, enjoy every bit of it, love as many as you can, play as much as you can because only when you are on a walking stick will you realize the joy of running. They will tell you to sacrifice your play today to get a good job tomorrow, they will tell you to work hard today to retire happily tomorrow but you know what tomorrow never comes and even if it does you are too old to live and do what you could have done yesterday. I know, you are thinking I am crazy and boaring you but I only have one advice to you – live in such a way that you don’t have to die like me – alone, unloved and uncared.” 

“Kabira chacha, please go freshen up will talk at the dinner table, you look like you have been starving for years.” She knew he was drunk and when he was drunk there was no stopping him. Sometimes, he would share his profound wisdom but mostly, no one could understand what he spoke when he was drunk. Drinking for him was an act of forgetting, a door into another world where nothing and no one existed, where he could forget himself yet be himself.

To be continued………………..

To be alone..

“Some people, some relationships are very important in our lives without which our world seems incomplete. We become desperate to have them in our lives at any cost , they bring meaning to our lives but what happens when such relationships end no matter how hard you try to save it? you are hurt, constantly recalling the times you spent together and hope that those days will be back again.
You might laugh again as soon as the tears dry but it doesn’t happen in everyone’s life because every story doesn’t have a happy ending. You are caught in the web of past unable to march forth it is as if you are drowning and you don’t know how to swim.”
 
 

To be alone in a happy song,

To be alone when things are wrong,

To be alone is to be strong,

To be alone……

But how long?

When there is not even a single soul

To console,

When I can no longer bear my pain

I weep secretly in the rain

For my love has gone down the drain.

Only when there are tears in your eyes

And pain in your heart

You will know what it feels to be apart.

I know we have to part our ways

But how can you forget those days?

To be alone-

Is to mourn the death of my love

Even before its birth,

But even before I stop mourning

There is a new birth to be celebrated……

-Loneliness is nothing but this gap between death and birth-

 

Human Business

“What is the meaning of my existence? What is my purpose in life? What exactly do I want from life or what does life want from me? I know not. The more I search for answers the more apparent is the meaninglessness of our lives. We don’t know why we live and we don’t know why we will die. Ah! What ignorant life we lead?How much ever we think there is someone who loves truly be it a parent or someone else the truth is that human love can never be selfless. It is deeply rooted in selfishness. You may say that a mother’s love is selfless; I agree, it is selfless but only upto a certain extent because a mother feels her children are a part of her not independent entities. It is through a mother that the child gets life so obviously she feels that her children are a part of her. Usually, a mother’s love for her children is more than a  father’s love because of the same reason that they are an inseparable yet independent part of her. Will the same mother love an orphan who is not her child so much? Except in few rare cases the answer is obviously no.The ultimate truth is we come alone and we go alone. It is a very selfish world – we all are selfish. Always manipulating, always calculating in what way we can benefit ourselves. Even in the most selfless action there is a selfish motive. Everything boils down to me and mine – my family, my state, my race, my country, my religion….Can we really think beyond the self? When the motive behind every action we do knowingly or unknowingly is the self? The attitude we have is- the world exists to me only till I exist, after I die the existence of the world is immaterial to me. When someone truly becomes selfless i.e. thinks beyond himself, when the ‘I’ vanishes that is when true growth occurs. The state in which ‘I’ exist without thoughts about myself, results don’t make a difference, good/bad you move on, you consider everyone a part of the greater whole but can we be so perfect that we can love everyone selflessly?” 

I am not “selfish”

Yet I seek myself.

I am a saint

Yet I seek freedom from human bondage.

I am an atheist

Yet I seek God.

I am a believer in god

Yet I seek his heaven.

I give away in charity

Yet I seek satisfaction and the pride of giving.

In loving others,

I seek to be loved.

Uh! In living we seek

& even in dying we seek- the eternal life

Is n’t it human nature to seek interest on the loan given?

Yet I, you and all humans are not “selfish”.

Dead man walking…

“Changes are constant, only the most wise and most ignorant man can never change. I have transformed completely but still there are many questions to be questioned and answers to be answered. Currently, my mind is empty unattached to any person, thought, God, religion or philosophy. It simply tells, ” I don’t know what is true and what is false! I don’t know who is correct or who is wrong. I am here and that is all that matters!”

It may seem foolish but my mind is out of my control and refuses to cooperate, it is lost in oblivion – most of the times thinking while at other times completely absent.  Either I am becoming completely detached from this world or I am in deep psychological trouble because I am unable to enjoy the smallest of joys in life and somehow my mind feels it is beyond the realm of joy/sorrow. This feeling of not feeling anything feels like being dead –  a state where there is neither pain nor joy. We can even bear pain  for at least it reminds we are alive, at least there is a hope for a better day and better way but indifference – one can never tolerate for there is no hope.”

Wake up, I say at dusk,

Wake up, I say at noon,

Wake up, I say at dawn

but my soul is lost in oblivion.

It has forgotten all its yesterday’s

It even refuses to live in today

paving its own way

it has got lost in eternity.

Ever since life has become

a profitless gain

& a sorrowless pain.

My heart beats for it has to,

& I live for I have to.

Occasionally there are showers of happiness

but the stains of pain  never disappear,

they remain to remind,

of all that I was and all that I could be

but today,  I am a no-one.

Gone are those days…..

Memories are the most beautiful and intimate experiences which with or without your permission keep playing again and again on the screens of your mind. Some come without a warning into our lives while others walk out of our lives without a warning but our heart refuses to believe; always hoping that some day, some how that person will come back again and things will be as good as they were. Sometimes, unfortunately yesterday’s reality remains only today’s hope.”

The guilt of losing you

Will never vanish,

I regret what I didn’t do,

I regret what we could have been,

I regret losing you.

That one moment in which you were mine

seemed like an eternity,

But I am ready to ring a hundred bells

and walk a thousand miles

just to relive that one moment again.

In that one moment

I felt the highest form of pleasure in this world

and after that moment,

I have endured the highest degree of pain.

In that one moment I conquered the world

and after that moment

I have become a dead man walking!

My whole being has frozen in that moment,

Waiting for you to return…

Every day when I wake up,

I wish things would have been different

Every day before I sleep

I wish you’d come back to me.

Ah! You aren’t here

but you are always near,

You might have gone

But I can never let you go.

The Divinity in us

I am tired of dry philosophies and intellectual speculations about the mystery of human existence. For once, I feel I need to live, I need to feel life, love and happiness. I want to experience the way how, we humans are tied inextricably to one another and that is the reality which we cannot escape. Any true soul true to its existence bleeds seeing his fellow  humans suffer and dances with ecstasy  at the sight of happiness among his fellow beings, this is the same with everyone be it a sage or an ordinary man.

Then how can one claim to be free from human bondage? Have we become so insensitive that we no longer feel anything at the  sight of great misfortunes others are suffering  all over the world. Have we become so selfish that only what happens to us is what matters the most? Is our freedom from this bond of human flesh more important than wiping the tears of our fellow beings? I agree we are the creators and we are the created  and that this pain, misfortune and everything we loath on Earth is  only because of us, we are the perpetrators, criminals yet we are the victims. How then shall I seek to solve these problems? Whom shall we blame? Who will carry the burden of freeing us from this misery? Shall I be happy because I am less miserable than others? Shall I celebrate all that I have compared to what others don’t have? Or shall I mourn for my fellow beings are not lucky as I am? What shall I do?

Yes, like everyone else I used to pray hoping that some divine being residing in the sky, invisible yet omnipotent like the sky would answer my prayers but my prayers were never answered and I felt too dependant on someone whom I have not even seen. So, I decided that it is a shame to beg in front of some invisible being who is impervious to all my prayers and hence, I took the responsibility of answering my prayers myself.

Every day I pray to myself and it is working wonders, most of my prayers are being answered and the best part is that I don’t have to depend on some invisible entity and appease him coz I am the captain of my soul. I for a brief period of time became an atheist, no it would be wrong to say that, I was only in search of GOD and guess what, after a lot of searching I finally found him but not the way everyone refers to God but my definition of God is completely different.

I realized that God is not a prayer answering machine, God is not some sought of super human, God is not to be found outside in temples, churches or masjids but within every being on earth. God is not the thing that all religions proclaim him to be. Though my definition is queer but every definition of God, every religion indirectly prescribes my definition of God. For me, I am God. That within me, which is keeping me alive is God, that within which is striving to break free is God, that within which weeps and celebrates is God, that within which miraculously feels connected to every being on this earth as if everyone is one part of the greater whole, each assigned to perform a different function is God. That within which feels helpless is God, that within which is all powerful is God for there is something which is common in every being on Earth i.e jiva and for me that Jivva is God.

I don’t know if there is life after death or only death after death but until I am alive for me this jiva within me and within every living being on Earth is God. I worship this God more than the most pious priest on Earth. In ordinary sense of usage of the term by God we mean some omnipotent entity, with all highest virtues and Ideals that humans can only dream of, who as the power to answer our prayers and is powerful enough to ward off anything evil. By defining God this way what we, humans are striving to do is to set a standard for ourselves to achieve what can easily be termed as ‘utopia’, for human existence is nothing but striving towards this Utopian state wherein pain ceases to exist and there is bliss in every being. For example, even when we pray what we are actually doing is we are reminding ourselves of what we truly want and words and feelings have such great power that they attract everything that we truly want {it is a psychological fact!}.

Fearing hell after death we humans have made this earth a living hell, if only everyone realized the God within life would become a divine dance and this earth a “heaven”.